When will I finally be able to see you? Is what I’ve asked myself for at least 6 months. Unfortunately, I now have my answer.. Most likely never. Our schedules clash worse than before. I miss you more than I care to admit, but I guess I just admitted it, didn’t I?
The greatest I could have ever met, sent me these. I asked for a sunset on the water, he wasn’t able too so he sent me a sunrise and the moon over the ocean while he was on vacation. He’s never ceases to amaze me.
Today was my 1st day off in a week, figured it would be smooth sailing for the most part. Boy was I wrong. Had to go to a wake for one of my class mates in high school who passes way to early. If that wasn’t rough enough one of my best friends tried committing suicide today. It’s been an emotionally draining day.
Now for the time that’s left I have to get it all out because I have work 730am-11pm tomorrow. I can’t wait to go to work so I can help the kids and avoid what’s going on in my life for the time being. Distractions from the “real world” will be nice. Helping these kids at work is what keeps my hopes up for a better day and week.
As for now it’s time for bed, going to try and get some sleep and start tomorrow fresh. Hope everything will be okay with my friend and may Wayne rest in peace while riding on the dragons he always wanted to be on after life.
I got a Buffett between my legs, and it’s all you can eat
— Lokelani Ellsworth
The world hates me…
Every fucking time. I swear there’s always something. Always!! Fuck you world seriously fuck you. Even though it was a maybe I was still hoping… Why do I bother? Wishing and hoping to see you is like wish the doe doe bird wasn’t extinct. I know in the back of my mind something’s going to come up no matter what… and then I end up sad or disappointed. So I give up! I’m coming to the realization that seeing you is nearly impossible and even if you do one day say you’re coming I won’t believe it until you’re at my door. The kicker? It isn’t even your fault, things legitimately happen, not planned in the least, and its not always just you, shit happens on my half too at the most inconvenient times. so I can’t even be mad… Seems like the world is against me seeing you, so heres my towel its getting thrown in. What a coincidence it’s “Towel Day”! 😕
If you were having a bad day, here are some kittens in a bathtub.
never have I ever seen kittens calmly swimming in water
Kittens!! Swimming.. Say what? Lol
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I hate getting text messages from people I don’t know. And if you do know me, you know I swear and cuss like a trucker. Haha smh just say who you are.. It’s simple hi I’m blah blah. And it would be squashed. The end.
For a moment I wish you could share my feelings.
That there words to describe the happiness you have brought me.
There are no words to accurately depict how you make me feel…
Because its as simple as you make me feel…
After having been emotionless for a time longer than I care to admit,
You’ve helped me feel emotions I thought would just be a memory of the past,
And for that there are no words…
— Lokelani Ellsworth
Thursday.. I have a new doctor to go see.. In Boston a specialist for infertility.. He’s my new gyno, and I’m absolutely terrified to go. His specialty is infertility, not like I’m trying to have kids now, but already knowing I had 25% or less chance of having kids ever because of PCOS.. The only thing I had going for me is that I didn’t have cysts.. Now that I have those lovely things, wonder what my chances will be now? It’s a scary to think you’ll never have the ability to have children. I am female, you’re told from a young age you’re eventually supposed to grow up get married and have kids of your own.. How do women handle being told its impossible? I have a 25% chance… But who knows if that has changed. Guess I might have answers in the coming months. But maybe I shouldn’t worry over things I know nothing about.. Right?
Late night confession
I cry most night, I guess I’m not a robot. I get lonely and sad the most at night but most of the time I’m fine. Yet there are night when I just can’t help it and I begin weeping then bursting into tears. I pretend everything fine or okay, I smile through the days and at night I take off my mask and let my emotions out.
Sometimes it’s because I miss my dad, or I had a bad day. Tonight it’s because I’m frustrated with the fact there’s little to no communication going on aside from photo’s, the fact have seen you since December as well as how much I kills me I still haven’t had a chance to explain in person what the hell happened a few months ago.
I miss listening to your heart beat, the hugs that felt like I was safe, the kisses that took my breath away, the sound of your voice, the smile that would make me get butterflies.. More than anything I just miss you. Yet I can’t say this because I am far to scared because I don’t want to be venerable. However in a way I guess I’d rather hear from you through little quirky picture messages then not at all.