Lately life has been really great, minus some bad days here or there… It truly baffles me that I have a hard time accepting positive things going on.. I’ve always had good moments followed by nightmares that have shadowed most of my life. I’m still looking over my shoulder waiting for the nightmare to come back… Because I’ve never had a break from pushing back, when the world knocks me on my ass…
When do I stop expecting things to fall apart and accept the fact good things are happening? I suppose I should recondition my way of thinking, but that’s easier said than done.
I’ve been fighting for so long, I don’t know what a break is.. After 25 years of pushing through life because it was the only way to not break down, being able to stop pushing for even a moment is foreign. I am resilient and it’s a characteristic I never want to lose. Now it’s time to practice acceptance and optimism … If the shadow does return, I better have my batteries for my flashlight and get ready push back but only when the time comes.
I really dislike crying myself to sleep… But tonight that’s how it’s going…
Don’t say “where and when” then when I reply, you stop answering. If you can’t do it.. Just fucking say so. I am absolutely frustrated.. I can’t even put it into words..
All I wanted was to see you, and talk… I don’t ask for much I really don’t. And if its because of the shit that was said yesterday… I couldn’t do it, even if I wanted to.. Because I only want you!
“As tears fall down my face I wipe them away
hoping that maybe it will work in someway.
For now I cry in the pitch black of the night
So no one will see the tears of sadness because I feel alone.”—Lokelani Ellsworth
When will I finally be able to see you? Is what I’ve asked myself for at least 6 months. Unfortunately, I now have my answer.. Most likely never. Our schedules clash worse than before. I miss you more than I care to admit, but I guess I just admitted it, didn’t I?
Today was my 1st day off in a week, figured it would be smooth sailing for the most part. Boy was I wrong. Had to go to a wake for one of my class mates in high school who passes way to early. If that wasn’t rough enough one of my best friends tried committing suicide today. It’s been an emotionally draining day.
Now for the time that’s left I have to get it all out because I have work 730am-11pm tomorrow. I can’t wait to go to work so I can help the kids and avoid what’s going on in my life for the time being. Distractions from the “real world” will be nice. Helping these kids at work is what keeps my hopes up for a better day and week.
As for now it’s time for bed, going to try and get some sleep and start tomorrow fresh. Hope everything will be okay with my friend and may Wayne rest in peace while riding on the dragons he always wanted to be on after life.
Every fucking time. I swear there’s always something. Always!! Fuck you world seriously fuck you. Even though it was a maybe I was still hoping… Why do I bother? Wishing and hoping to see you is like wish the doe doe bird wasn’t extinct. I know in the back of my mind something’s going to come up no matter what… and then I end up sad or disappointed. So I give up! I’m coming to the realization that seeing you is nearly impossible and even if you do one day say you’re coming I won’t believe it until you’re at my door. The kicker? It isn’t even your fault, things legitimately happen, not planned in the least, and its not always just you, shit happens on my half too at the most inconvenient times. so I can’t even be mad… Seems like the world is against me seeing you, so heres my towel its getting thrown in. What a coincidence it’s “Towel Day”! 😕
I hate getting text messages from people I don’t know. And if you do know me, you know I swear and cuss like a trucker. Haha smh just say who you are.. It’s simple hi I’m blah blah. And it would be squashed. The end.
“For a moment I wish you could share my feelings.
That there words to describe the happiness you have brought me.
There are no words to accurately depict how you make me feel…
Because its as simple as you make me feel…
After having been emotionless for a time longer than I care to admit,
You’ve helped me feel emotions I thought would just be a memory of the past,
And for that there are no words…”—Lokelani Ellsworth
Thursday.. I have a new doctor to go see.. In Boston a specialist for infertility.. He’s my new gyno, and I’m absolutely terrified to go. His specialty is infertility, not like I’m trying to have kids now, but already knowing I had 25% or less chance of having kids ever because of PCOS.. The only thing I had going for me is that I didn’t have cysts.. Now that I have those lovely things, wonder what my chances will be now? It’s a scary to think you’ll never have the ability to have children. I am female, you’re told from a young age you’re eventually supposed to grow up get married and have kids of your own.. How do women handle being told its impossible? I have a 25% chance… But who knows if that has changed. Guess I might have answers in the coming months. But maybe I shouldn’t worry over things I know nothing about.. Right?
I cry most night, I guess I’m not a robot. I get lonely and sad the most at night but most of the time I’m fine. Yet there are night when I just can’t help it and I begin weeping then bursting into tears. I pretend everything fine or okay, I smile through the days and at night I take off my mask and let my emotions out.
Sometimes it’s because I miss my dad, or I had a bad day. Tonight it’s because I’m frustrated with the fact there’s little to no communication going on aside from photo’s, the fact have seen you since December as well as how much I kills me I still haven’t had a chance to explain in person what the hell happened a few months ago.
I miss listening to your heart beat, the hugs that felt like I was safe, the kisses that took my breath away, the sound of your voice, the smile that would make me get butterflies.. More than anything I just miss you. Yet I can’t say this because I am far to scared because I don’t want to be venerable. However in a way I guess I’d rather hear from you through little quirky picture messages then not at all.
Why is it that the richest people always seem to be angry or grumpy and the poorest of people always seem to be smiling or hopeful?
Maybe it’s true money can’t buy happiness, and happiness isn’t determined by what you have but what you’re thankful for.
Why are you trying to come back? The one thing I wanted in this world is for you to die a slow and painful death. And I’ve gotten my wish. You have been dying slowly and painfully and I couldn’t care less that you are dying.
However, I realized in my rage that I need to know what you are dying from because even though I cut every last tie I had from you, I still share your genetic makeup. You are technically my biological father, but you’re nothing more than the man the stole my innocence and destroyed my life.
You have been looking for me, I haven’t moved in 16 years… So you reach out to my cousin’s mother to try to find me. Fine you have my attention, only for two reasons. 1. I need to know what you’re dying from and if its hereditary and 2. Why? I want you to own up to what you did and explain yourself, you selfish son of a bitch.
However, I feel like there will be fine print to read because with you, nothing is simple. I want my answers I deserve them. You took from me something I’ll never get back, and I’m “your daughter” you should at least answer for what you’ve done. Once you have, if you do, maybe my nightmares will go away once again and I can have my life back.
You will never be my father, my dad died almost two years ago. And he was the greatest dad ever. I’ve told you off so many times, but you don’t listen. I wonder if in your dying days you’ve come to realize I hate you. I was supposed to be able to trust you, and you burned that.
The only satisfaction I have is knowing you’re dying slowly and I can only hope painfully, and its taken a toll on you. I have tried to forgive you but I can’t, and knowing I’ll have to see you soon is causing inner turmoil, but I’ll get through this, because I was raised by the two best parents a girl could ask for, and they’ve taught me to be strong.
P.S. I hope you rot in HELL and the devil tortures you. But justice is being served to you, you dying bastard.
How can this be normal?
Past haunting and not leaving me alone.
Takes its place front and center.
Being followed home from work,
Having my life threatened,
My coworker sending someone to do what happened,
None of it is normal.
However it has become something I don’t worry about for its consistency.
I need to get away from this “normalcy”
Find my way back to what is actually acceptable.
Not having to worry,
Feeling that no one needs to worry because I’m not someone to worry about.
I am worth something!
I am human,
Flaws shown straight through,
Thanks for helping me realize things I need to do.